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There is a time and place for everything, but never one for resolutions. If you will resolve to do anything, make sure it is in a dive bar late on a Saturday night, when you are drunk enough to make tall claims — but others are equally drunk, so they will not remember it the next day. From bungee jumping in New Zealand to skydiving over Dubai, running an ultra in a desert to free-climbing a blooming rock, avoid these classic tropes, and some more which I am listing below.
Vegans: Be it for the social quotient or because your role-play fantasy is tree-hugger, both imply that your food issues are of the first world order. I feel for you, if only because you are as detached from reality as you are from any sense of taste.
Intermittent Fasting (IF): Not only do I hate people who won’t eat animals, I detest those who don’t eat at all too! I always thought that dying of hunger would be a cheap way to go but IF is one lame marketing gimmick; it makes you lean like being hit by a truck full of books makes you wise. There are adages wise about moderation none of which apply to IF.
Seven Summits: The 1858 Geosphere by Montblanc is an exquisite tribute to those who’ve scaled the seven summits, something best left to the experts. Buy this watch and admire the seven peaks as they turn on tiny dials at the end of your arm. But stop with the carbon emissions and rubbish dumping on the hills just to prove to yourself that you can be pushed up every mountain by Sherpas. If an adrenalin rush and high is what you after, put on some Bob Marley and…you know what comes next.
World Major Marathons: You know the best part about running 42.2 kms — there’s none. But the second best part is that, being a metric unit of measurement, it’s the same everywhere in the world. So trudge them out in NYC or Nala Sopara, it’ll take about the same time. Why not come over and run it on my treadmill, which is hooked up to a dynamo which powers my house for then you can claim to have truly shed light on others’ lives?
Keto: While on the topic of methods of self-inflicted torture, Keto is another good way to starve the system. Ketosis, like detox, are things the body does on its own. To “retrain” your system of a few millennia…how about we start simple – like remembering birthdays?
Superfoods: The only thing that makes superfoods ‘super’ is the economics of supply and demand where the supply is controlled by a nifty multinational conglomerate with billions in investments while the demand is fuelled by marketing-addled you.
Just eat a balanced diet, don’t be a couch potato, and learn to keep your mouth shut around friends, alcohol and the New Year’s Eve: the rest will take care of itself.